Thursday, March 17, 2005
Internet, I think you and I are past the point of euphemisms by now. So you won't be too shocked if I tell you that I have sex with my boyfriend. The problem has arisen that when we have sex in my bed it breaks. The first time we were both quite proud but now every time the bed gives some good squeaks and then the slats fall down and so does the mattress. Each time we laugh and put the bed back together afterward, but it's more annoying than funny now. Does anyone else have this problem? Every time I wonder if my roommate can hear and what he must think of the giant thunk.
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Dear Girlfriend,
I know you and have have been drifting apart lately and I want to take this moment to make a confession that will hopefully clear up why we have fallen apart. I've been seeing someone else. Don't get mad! Don't get mad! It's not another woman and it's not another man. It's my computer, and I think I love it. Yes, yes, we've even had sex.
There was a time in my life when beds broke. Here are some things that worked: 1. You can repair a broken box spring with a mending plate, white glue, and screws. Also, extra slats in a bed work quite well. 2. You can even put a big huge sheet of plywood over the slats, screwing the plywood into the slats to prevent creaking. (More Elmer's glue will also help said creaking if the bed is wood.) 3. If you have a crummy, creaky metal frame (or, worse, one on wheels that will end up in the hallway during enthusiastic bonks), cinder blocks can help. Still, they are rough on the toes. If you're especially exasperated, you can lag bolt the bed to these blocks. 4. Nothing fixes the unfixable like JB Weld, a 2-part epoxy that can actually fix radiators and boxsprings and everything.
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